Dedicated to the One I Love

You may read through here and wonder- how does she do it all.....and by herself? As I read through prior entries, I realize that there is only a brief mention....glossing over if you will, of the fact that I actually do have a husband!

This stage of my life is still so entrenched with nothing but kids- really since I have had my kids, they have been everything. Those of you who have kids must know that your relationship takes a back burner in a lot of ways- not how it should be at all. But it seems to be part of parenting and not uncommon. For me, this parenting journey took a dramatic turn when my kids were 9 months and almost 3- their dad and I split up. Not what I wanted and certainly not what I had planned, but it happened none-the-less and with the support of my family, I tried to pick up and make the best of it....and I did. I got a job and threw myself into that and those 2 little kids with an intensity that you could only describe as obsession. I was so sad for us, but I wanted to show them that we would make the best of it -and we did. Thank God for those 2 little kids- they provided a much needed distraction for me at the most painful time of my life to date. I did not have time feel sorry for myself or spend a lot of time hanging on to the past- they were constantly growing, constantly looking ahead and that forced me to do the same.  Don't get me wrong- there were very dark days and I did my share of stumbling around to find my footing again. As hard as it can be even today to have to deal with the divorce - the every other weekend and not having the kids with both parents all the time- I am so lucky to have them. Looking back, I don't know if I would have been able to make it without them. Life did go on...

Before I could blink 6 years had gone by. I had sort of dated one guy in that time, although I don't think he considered it dating and would sort of freak out a little if I referred to our 'hanging out' as dating. I was still loving my job, living a very predictable and structured life and I loved it. I did get lonely at times, but I would talk myself through it by saying things like- 'Hey, I am blessed- I have my faith, 2 great kids and a great family- it's enough' ...then Del came along.

Believe it or not, his initial inquiries were in regards to soccer and if Dallas wanted to play on his team.....then he asked me to dinner. (this horrified Dallas and she asked if 'he was taking all the moms out to dinner'...lol) I remember on our second date, he kissed me good night and said he thought this could go somewhere and when could he see me again- I freaked out about it for about 2 months and then gave up- 7 months later we married.

Marriage the second time around is good because you don't have a lot of the illusions you had the first time....in my case, I may have taken that to the extreme. We were trying to blend a family as well, so that was an immediate distraction. When we married our kids were 12, 10, 9, 8.and 7- today they are 20, 18, 16, 15 and 14- so hard to believe.

So much has happened and really so little of it has centered around Del and I. For me, it has centered around my continued obsession with the 'kids being ok'- and guess what? They really are OK. So I can listen to Del when he says everything is fine instead of being frustrated that he is 'not in touch with the kids and how they feel' - I can appreciate him for how hard he works and not worry so much that he leaves his diet coke cans everywhere (and I mean everywhere, it drives me nutty). I can focus on him a little bit not be so freaked out that the bathroom is not wiped down every other day. (my obsession is not for the kids alone) I can quit thinking he doesn't consider me just because the first thing he wants to do with any free time is either watch or play golf and not vacuum- (I love vacuuming too, yes you can see that I am lot for him to deal with) And just when I think he is not listening or paying attention, he does the most amazing things- like surprising me with a beautiful front loader washer and dryer (I will say that I he is hoping the reciprocal gift will be an Ipad...the 2nd generation one) or throwing me an AMAZING surprise party for my birthday that I had no idea about, and I mean none....I am still surprised when I think back on it.

So Del- I vow to work harder on making you my obsession... not in a crazy way, more of a love crazy way- I know I am a pain in the butt, but I love you.  All that you do for me and for our family does not go unnoticed....and no, you cannot get a snowmobile.
Here is my guy in 1982 ...if only I had known him then...wait...I was only 11!!

The Lame Blogger

I know, I know...I am lame at blogging-

There is a laundry list of excuses- I think I am just now coming out of hibernation after the terrible winter we had..really are still having. Maybe it's because I turned 40 since the last blog entry and it just seems  like I should be more tired and look older....honestly, I used to think that I would need a wheelchair at 40, so I am pleasantly surprised that I still feel like a have a few good years left in me.

It could be the supreme effort it takes to parent teenagers..think of it as extreme parenting...sort of like toddlers for those of you with younger kids. There are similar issues- instead of potty training, we battle for control of curfews and the incessant need to have some sort of social activity at all times; we have to share a car instead of toys; and instead of teaching them to talk nicely to others, a lot of the time is spent insisting they speak nicely to me. (and yes, I do get to be the judge of 'nicely'- I have earned it)

But I know in my heart, this too will pass. It's easy to get distracted by the daily, oftentimes contrived drama that comes along with having a house-full of teens. I have great kids, don't get me wrong. They are awesome- but...they are still human. They are moody, inconsiderate and at times, just plain rude. While I know this is a normal part of this stage of life, it's obviously not my favorite part.... but I try to remember back when I was that age. I was busy just goofing off, doing pretty much what I wanted. I was never a kid that thought my parent's were idiots or anything, but I certainly thought I was smarter than them- nothing about their intellect led me there- it was just my own perception that I was pretty dang exceptional. I remember also having just a general lack of regard for anything or anyone around me...it really was all about me.

Remembering that helps me on some of the tougher days. My kids are really not out to get me, they are just really not ever thinking about anyone but themselves. Does this mean I back off and be happy when people make comments like- 'they are good kids...no drugs, jail, pregnancy...' - no way. I will always be in their ear and pushing them to have better awareness of their behavior and when it's unacceptable. I will always encourage them to think of others first. I know they want to have sense of what is their own- their room, their stuff, etc.- does that mean that they continue to get 'their stuff' for nothing? No again- I will be here to remind them the ability to buy an energy drink and a clearance item at Aeropostale does not mean they can magically support themselves- it's still my house, parents are paying the bills and still providing the 'stuff'. Will I let them wear me down with the constant debate of every request made of them?...ahhh, not I - this is where I a excel- (my mom might say it's a carry-over from my own teen years) I can debate you back all day and all night. Not only that, I have the power to end the conversation with a simple 'one more word and I'll...' or some similar threat- that is one part I kind of enjoy.

I have this quote written down and I read it daily-

"Adolescence" is when teens are trying to make "sense" of being an "adult."

When I read this, I know it will be ok- I am still trying to make sense of being an adult myself....I have just accepted that it may never happen!

I DO Have Style...

I love reading on-line about parenting- there is so much out there, but a term I see repeated over and over is 'parenting style'- I just took a quiz and the results had it narrowed down to these three styles-

1)You fit the classic laissez-faire parent profile; you think it's important that your kids develop and grow in the way that they choose, and you don't want to set any kind of expectations for them. You may hope that your children learn from your example, but you're not interested in spelling out behavioral guidelines or forcing them to follow rules. And when it comes to family decisions on everything from vacations to deciding on a name for a new baby brother, it's essential that your kids' views are taken into account

2)When it comes to setting rules and expectations with your kids, you're sort of a benevolent dictator – in the nicest way. When you know what's best for them, there's no need to discuss your decisions. But when it's appropriate, you're happy to take a more democratic approach and let your kids have their say. This kind of combination of firmness and fairness means that you can have open discussions with your children while still being able to assert your authority when it matters.

3)Strict No doubt about it: You're strict! In your opinion, kids need to be told what to do and how to do it. The approach you take to discipline is firm and direct. That's what's best for your kids, since being firm helps them understand who the boss is, and helps them respect and obey the important rules you establish. When your kids step out of line, you make sure there's an appropriate punishment - not that you enjoy punishing them, and you try never to be too harsh (or too lenient, for that matter). Parents who answered like you indicate that sometimes, spanking is an appropriate form of discipline.

My guess is if your 'style' falls under #1 above, you probably aren't on-line looking up parenting sites/blogs- it was a silly quiz though- here's one of the questions-

'- Kids can make up their own minds and do what they want to do-'
Strongly agree--------------Strongly Disagree

Does anyone actually even kind of agree with that...I mean anyone who has kids?  It made me laugh because there is an option to 'Take the Quiz for Your Partner'- I am certain there is a good chance my partner and I would answer a bit differently!

My kids are growing up and really all I know is this- I am with them the most, I know them the best of anyone as much as they may not want to admit it at this stage.  I know when they are just being moody or if something is really wrong.  I know when they ask me if they can go somewhere or do something, they really actually want me to say no sometimes just so they don't have to...I know I love them in a way I can't describe- if I had the kids describe my 'style', I would hope that the word 'loving' would get thrown in at least once (or at least as much or more than 'crazy') Hopefully the rest is something that could only be used to illustrate us - not just something that could be thrown into one of three categories....I hope we will keep re-defining our style as we go!  Nobody really has it all figured out-
P.S.- my quiz result was # 3- I am sure the kids will be shocked....

Teenagers- Not Very Cute Somtimes

Ok, ok....I know I need to post something......the 're-entry' back into the school year has been really tough for me...you would think it would be a little easier since we are down to 3 kids in the house, but this has been a rough one for me..one of my little cherubs told me it's because I am 'getting older'- hmmmm, unfortunately, I think that is spot on!

It's so much easier to post things when you have little kids.  They are so cute, they say the darndest things, etc., etc.  Enter the teen years.....(play the theme from Jaws here)

So, let me preface by saying that we are so blessed to have these great kids- we have not had nearly the struggles some of my peers have had with their teens- no drugs, no teen pregnancy, no ADHD or any other acronyms I can think of ...aside from PMS- everyone is AOK.  However, here are some facts about the teen brain-

1. Pictures of the brain in action show that adolescents’ brains function differently than adults when decision-making and problem solving. Their actions are guided more by the amygdala and less by the frontal cortex. Research has also demonstrated that exposure to drugs and alcohol before birth, head trauma, or other types of brain injury can interfere with normal brain development during adolescence.
2. Based on the stage of their brain development, adolescents are more likely to:
   
   • act on impulse
   • misread or misinterpret social cues and emotions
   • get into accidents of all kinds
   • get involved in fights
   • engage in dangerous or risky behavior
   Adolescents are less likely to:
   
   • think before they act
   • pause to consider the potential consequences of their actions
   • modify their dangerous or inappropriate behaviors

No kidding....as a parent this is a bit of a relief....I seem to remember my mom telling me that there would be a period of time where the kids would all lose their minds for awhile- I think we are there.
Before my kids get too excited and start using their changing and developing brain as an excuse for, well, everything here is the rest of the study...

• These brain differences don’t mean that young people can’t make good decisions or tell the difference between right and wrong. It also doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions. But an awareness of these differences can help parents,understand, anticipate, and manage the behavior of adolescents.

Sorry guys, still going to be...what's the phrase I hear so much?  'On you' about 'everything'-

First Day of (High) School

The first day of school has always been tough for me- another year gone by...they just keep going faster.  This year is by far the toughest.  Our two oldest- in college for cryin' out loud- the other 3- all in high school.  They didn't appreciate me asking- 'do you have everything you need?'- well of course they do, they are omniscient teenagers... and anyway, if they didn't have something, it would probably be someone else's fault...'what are you going to wear tomorrow?' to which Brendan just stared at me and said, 'why, what are you going to wear tomorrow?' hmmm.....I guess it's time for me to grasp that the new shoes, pencils, the smell of a new eraser- (these were all highlights for moi) are not so novel anymore-we have moved on to the days of who likes who, football, soccer, 'she said that you said and I did not say that'.  I miss the days when they were thrilled with a new pencil box and crucial decsions included what lunch box went best with which backpack...
So to my highschoolers- 'In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on' - I love you all more than coffee...

Everyone Needs a BFF

This is dedicated to my BFF, Erica.  It was her bday on Friday and it marks our 21st year of being friends.  We met our first year at Highline and since that first movie we went to (Tango and Cash.....which was awesome) she has stayed with me through it all.  Here is to one of the few people in my life that has been a constant.  She is a great listener and can tell me when I am acting like  a jerk (and I will actually listen to her, which is something) I have attached a pic of when she was just a bit younger that her 39 years, but she's hardly changed at all- love you E!!

We Really Are Lucky

Why a blog?  I have several friends with really good blogs...good writing, funny stories, cute kid pics and  a great way to sort of stay in touch if you can't see each other every day.  For those that know me I am-




1) Not a phone person- I really do hate talking on the phone

2) Not really a Facebook person- it's...too...well...Facebooky, but popular enough that I just made up an adjective to describe it.  It always really scares me when someone that was really mean to me tries to 'friend' me now...why didn't you try that 25 years ago???!?!?  I am a skeptic for sure.

3) Not really home enough to stay on track with anything even though I try- (see #2...just because I have not responded to what you have 'written on my wall' does not mean I am mad at you...)



So just briefly- married to Del 7 years ago-(well almost 7) - we have 5 kids between the 2 of us- 4 girls and 1 lone boy who will either be a great husband or a priest.  Today they are 19,18,16,15 and 14- I really always did want 5 kids- you could say this was the 'easy' way to do it, as far as the whole birth process goes, but I obviously wouldn't recommend it.  They have really all done amazingly well- I have read many books about the horrors of trying to blend families and comparatively, our journey has been quite boring although I am sure Del would disagree with me.



We are entering a new phase of this journey - next Thursday Meg(18) will be  moving into the dorms to start her first year of college.  Jamie(19) is already back at school in Wisconsin starting her 2nd year of college.  It's strange to think of all the adjustments we will make- the remaining kids are re-arranging rooms, 2 less to cook for, 2 less showers-no matter how you look at it it's still 2 less and it's hard not to feel the 'loss'.  It's been so fun to watch these kids grow and listen to them talk about their dreams...maybe it's easier for me since I am a bit more removed as the step-mom- (I actually prefer 'para-mother')- to be able to sit back and enjoy this part of their lives and not feel as 'old' as Del says it makes him feel- it's too bad that there has to be such a conflict- parents feel like this is the end of something while for the child, it's just the beginning. We will just have to pray and turn our worry over.

We are lucky and here are 5 of the biggest reasons why-